2020 Word of the Year

Have you chosen a word of the year yet? It is okay if you haven't last year I didn't get my word until around the 14th. This year I didn't know what my word was until this week. It changed a lot of the course of the last few days. It was hard to figure out because I have the expectations of what seems okay compared to what I really want to do. I had written a list of my goals for last year, and they are similar to what I wanted to accomplish last year. I did lose about three months to 2019 because of family illness. I wasn't able to launch my own blog until April and really struggled with the separation of my original blog into two different types of blogs. I was happy about the vision I had for the two separate blogs. These blogs seemed to be different sides of me. The new blog will come back in the Spring but no date at this point. It is very different; it taps more into my faith and into my passion for studying various aspects of religion. 

I was trying to figure out what I had really happened last year. There were habits I was glad I had focused on like I read 20 books and was consistent for 70 days on my German lessons. However, there were other vital goals I was not accomplishing. I wanted to post on my new blog three times a week. I wanted to write at least one story a week without fail. However, I found 2019 another hard year for me figuring out how to cope with life changes. I was dealing with panic attacks and a level of anxiety I had never experienced in my life before. Sure I have been a worrier about this, but this year I was really isolated from people, and there were a lot of connections with friends that fell apart. I didn't have people to lean on this year, and when I did, I felt like I shouldn't be talking about things in my life because they were not significant or tragic. There are times, though, when all the little things start to pile up and feel like a lot. I didn't know how to handle it, but I know I lot of it was rooted in my lack of trust and my fear. 

Some fears are rational, but this last year had too many irrational fears. One of my worries was refusing to trust people with my vulnerability. I am doubting my ability to recover another big emotional blow. I haven't left the 60-mile radius from my home because my car is older and needs work. I have not been writing, which is the thing I have loved for many years because I was afraid I wasn't good enough, and what is worse is what happened if I was good enough but holding myself back. I have been lost inside my head for weeks or months with all of these worries. For the last few months, I have been working on breaking free. 

This year I chose the word dauntless. It came to me the other day. At first, I couldn't figure out why it was so important, except I realized all of the things from this last year of my life were not completed because I was full of fear. The idea is I know I will never be rid of fear I have, but I can move instead of allowing fear to keep me frozen in time. Dauntless came to be first through Veronica Roth and her Divergent series. I envied those in the Dauntless sect because they did seem so free. I was a time in my life when I allowed my mind to be open again to pursuing my dream of writing. I had to break through those fears, and yet I will use this word to break through my fears. I will rekindle old friendships and make new ones. I will participate in writing contest this year, and send stories out for publication. 

Whatever your word, goal, or habit, maybe this year, when you mess up to give yourself the grace to forgive yourself and start over again.